by River Clegg
Found true love: Immediately.
Global warming still a problem: Slowly dawn.
Might be gay: Slowly dawn.
New baby is male: Almost immediately.
Won the lottery: Immediately.
Winning the lottery won’t solve all your problems: Slowly dawn.
Afraid of flying: Slowly dawn, after years of watching birds fly and realizing humans aren’t supposed to do that, and just look at them! It’s unnatural.
Late for work: Immediately, via AC/DC music from bedside clock.
New baby might be gay: Slowly dawn, but not for many years.
Mission Impossible IV a good movie: Immediately, midway through during the skyscraper sequence. Yeah!
Thing you thought was true love maybe isn’t: Slowly dawn.
You’re among the least-liked people in the office: Either slowly dawn after you’re not invited out for drinks for the third Friday in a row, or immediately, after you overhear Craig saying “I’ll go out for drinks this Friday, but only if [your name]’s not coming,” and then everyone heartily agrees.
Mortality: Slowly dawn, but with a sudden shock of “Oh my God, I’m going to die” at the end or in the middle.
There no reason not to eat Reese’s Puffs cereal in the middle of the night just because you’re fully grown: Immediately.